The past few days I've been trying to bury some feelings, to ignore them, but I suspect the best way to really deal with them is to acknowledge them and face them head on.
This is my attempt at doing just that.
So what are the thoughts that keep asserting themselves in my mind? The thoughts I've been trying to ignore? It's something very simple...
It's the feeling of loss
You see I'm recently diagnosed (by most people's standards). I managed to evade my type 1 diagnosis until I was in my 40s. I consider myself to be very lucky in this regard - don't get me wrong, adjusting to diagnosis later in life has its difficulties, but I'm well aware I've missed out on a lot of struggles others have had to deal with.
I've gone through life not having to think about food.
If I wanted to eat something, I just ate it.
If I walked past a Mr Whippy ice-cream van, I could decide to purchase a ice-cream without a second thought. Single cone? Double cone? Flake? Extras? It didn't matter.
If I changed my mind and decided not to eat it, so what? It was a waste, but that's all it was.
If I was at a buffet, I could have a second helping (or more!) and all I'd need to worry about is an ever expanding waistline.
What I'm trying to show is that I could be spontaneous with food - no thinking required.
Monkey see, monkey eat!
Now things are different.
Carbs are king!
King of my thoughts
Before every meal (and sometimes even when I want a drink) it requires a series of mathematical calculations to be executed.
An estimation of carbohydrates, consideration of the time of day to determine what ratio to apply, a bg test to see if any correction dose needs to be included.
I also need to log everything in my diary, do an insulin injection and then, finally, do the one thing I wanted to do in the first place - eat or drink.
...and if I wanted that extra sandwich from the buffet, well that would require some more maths, some more logging and another injection...
...and if I've injected insulin for food or drink and then decide I don't want it - tough! Once that injection goes in, I'm committed - it doesn't matter if I'm feeling full or sick, the need to eat is set in motion.
So at the moment I'm grieving.
Grieving for the loss of spontaneity around food.